meet me or not, i'm out of control
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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