i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
