quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
