he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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