My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
