20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
