Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
FUCK WHALES
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
