my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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