dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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