i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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