this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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