nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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