The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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