You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
