the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
