I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
