I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
