I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
