thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
