i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
