you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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