it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
