i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
