you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
