you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
