White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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