I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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