Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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