I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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