Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Me too!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
