I think I died a long time ago.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
