You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
