oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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