I cannot find my penis.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
