We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found your dick twin last night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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