I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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