Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
