I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
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I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
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Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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