At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my phone needs a breathalizer
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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