I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
