4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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