Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
