I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
