community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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