I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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