Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
