The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
