Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
