I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
