When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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