I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
