I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
