and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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