Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
