I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
