my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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