You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
