You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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